Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
