First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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