Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
