just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
