I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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