yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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