If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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