I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
