When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
