Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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