Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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