Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
