I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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