My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
