I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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