meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
