true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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