he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
