Sry I called you an 8
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
