happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
