"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
