I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
