Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have already put on my inside pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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