I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
