im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Randomize
