and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
