Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
