Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
