nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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