Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
