K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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