I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
