He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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