im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
God, I missed his penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
