you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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