I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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