quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
