I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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