Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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