i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
