tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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