Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
