i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
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