broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
