My liver just broke up with me...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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