Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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