I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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