It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
