I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
