Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
