We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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