I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
